DILLIGAF
by TurtleJesus
Summary: It is summer after fifth year and all is calm when Harry discovers who is controlling his life and he decides to take control back using any means necessary. Involves, time chambers, unspeakables, goblins, heirs, seriously OP Harry, stupid ministry, weak deatheaters, sheeple Order and manipulations.
1. Dumbledore, It's your fault!

_**A.N: Hey guys, TurtleJesus here. This story is all about making fun of the different cliches here at **_

_**Summary: It is summer after fifth year and all is calm when Harry discovers who is controlling his life and he decides to take control back using any means necessary. Involves, time chambers, unspeakables, goblins, heirs, seriously OP Harry, stupid ministry, weak deatheaters, sheeple Order and manipulations.**_

_**Warnings: May involve swearing, violence, alcohol, tattoos, implied sex, disturbing images and death**_

_**Narrators POV**_

It was a perfectly normal day in a perfectly normal neighborhood, the kids were out playing for their summer holidays, the fathers (except that awful Mr Collins who let his wife work instead) were still at their respectable jobs and the mothers were having the gossip sessions…ahem…I mean tea parties. Yes, it was just another average day in Surrey, at least it was until the Dursley family arrived home from picking up their nephew, Harry Potter, from the train station. The first sign something weird was happening was the whole family were pale and shaking. Of course the Dursley's reason was the creepy people at the train station scared them but Harry was shaking with grief about his lost godfather but more on that later. The neighbors believed they were shaking after visiting such an awful place like St Brutus's Academy for incurably Criminal boys. The next sign of something weird was the screaming and the yelling that occurred as soon as the Dursley's went inside. The last thing was about half hour later Harry Potter could be seen leaving the house with his trunk and walking down the street. All who witnessed this had the same thoughts; the gossip would be good tomorrow.

_**Harry Potters POV**_

'_Why did they have to do that?' _Harry asked himself glancing out the window as they pulled away from the train station and started heading home, _'They're just going to be worst after that threat'_. Harry looked around and saw Dudley cowering on the other side of the car, Aunt Petunia pale and shaking and Uncle Vernon turning a very peculiar shade of red whilst his moustache twitched violently. '_Yep just as he thought, there will be an explosion when they get back to Privet Drive', _Harry decided to just try and ignore everything until they got back. It was the slamming of the car doors that got Harrys attention and he quickly got out and dragged his trunk through the front door.

He quickly dodged a fist that came flying through the air and then jumped back so the kick sent by Dudley missed him.

"BOY, HOW DARE YOU TELL THOSE FREAKS THAT WE MISTREAT YOU, WE GIVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED!" Roared Uncle Vernon, his face almost glowing red so much that Harry thought for a second he could replace Rudolph. Uncle Vernon then proceeded to grab him by the arm and shove him into his room before closing and locking the door behind him. '_Good thing I gave Hedwig to Neville to look after' _thought Harry before morosely laying down on the bed. _'Where was his supposed guard shouldn't they have stopped that' _He sulked. Unfortunately, thinking of the Order made him think of his godfather, Sirius Black, this than lead to think about Sirius' current state of deadness.

'_It's all my fault, how could I have been so stupid? Should've listened to Hermione' _he brooded. Curiously it wasn't actually Sirius' serious state of living that depressed him the most as many believed, no, it was the fact that when he had his godfather's killer alone he was too weak to get revenge. '_I need to get better if I want to win this war, especially with this stupid arse prophecy, maybe if Dumbledore actually trained me or hired a competent DADA professor' _He thought before snorting, how is it every time he had negative thoughts they always somehow led to Dumbledore.

Jumping up, Harry decided to look at everything that went wrong over the years and how they linked to Dumbledore. He went to grab a piece of parchment to write a list but decided not to for several reasons. First, lists were way overused and overrated. Second, it took up too much time and effort. Third, it seemed a bit girly and lastly, he had everything in his head anyway.

'_Okay, Dursleys are his entire fault, first year is obviously his fault with the weak protections and shit, Second year he so could've worked out it was a basilisk if Hermione could. Third year he was just a total idiot with the dementors and the time travel and stuff. Fourth year he was useless and fifth year he was just being a dickhead not telling him shit and I don't know how but Sirius death is somehow his fault.'_ Yes, Harry Potter had it all worked out before he decided that he needed to get away from Dumbledork and his order of Kentucky Fried Chicken. '_hmm, maybe a quick stop to KFC before going to Diagon Alley and Gringotts wouldn't be amiss'. _

So using awesome lock picking skills given to him by Fred and George, he headed down stairs, grabbed his things and snuck out the front door. Unfortunately his version of sneaking was learned from the Mission Impossible movies so everyone knew what he was doing. Fortunately, no one cared what the freak done. As soon as he got out the front door he sprinted to the road and held out his wand and the Knight Bus appeared. Using his adrenaline filled strength, he launched his trunk in, knocking Stan Shunpike over and interrupting his speech, before jumping in as well.

"I'm Minister Fudge and I want to go to the Leaky Cauldron" He said loudly before dropping a ridiculous amount of money on Shunpike.

"Y…Y...you're not the minister" stuttered Stan before snapping his mouth shut at the look Harry gave him.

"Fine, I'm Albus bloody Dumbledore" Snapped Harry at the quaking young adult.

"B…B..But" Shunpike went to reply before Harry opened his trunk, grabbed a bright blue robe and a fake beard and put them on. Stan still looked hesitant before he noticed how much the person actually looked like Dumbledore now. Twenty minutes later and some impressive swearing by Har…ahem..Albus later and they had arrived at the Leaky Cauldron.

Stumbling to the front counter, Harry perched himself on a barstool.

"The usual Professor Dumbledore?" questioned Tom with a raised eyebrow. Harry was very tempted to say yes but decided differently.

"No thanks Tom, I would like to rent a room for young Harry Potter, anything he wants as long as he wants, just put it on my tab" Harry replied trying and failing to sound like a wise old man.

"Of course sir, room number 11, if I may ask, where is he?" Tom answered, peering around as he handed Harry the key.

"He will be here later, I will make sure the key gets to him, Thank you!" and with that Harry strolled out the room trying to keep from laughing. Taking a walk down to Gringotts he noticed most of the shops were closed before he realised that it was about nine o'clock. He had hoped Gringotts was still open. He had nothing to fear as it was still open with guards either side of the door eyeing him strangely. Oh, wait he still had his disguise on, he quickly took if off and walked in, the doors opening before him.

He noticed that he was the only person there and felt quite self-conscious as he walked to the middle of the room.

"Hey Griphook!" he yelled, waving to a random point in the room, hoping Griphook was there, after all they all looked the same. Fortunately for him, Griphook was there and done a small wave back to the shock of the goblins. A human had remembered one of them! Harry was tempted to start shouting random names to see if he could impress them more by knowing other goblins but chose not to.

Griphook ran forward and gave the deepest bow he has ever given a human before; it was still only an inch deep.

"How may I assist you, sir?"

_**A.N: End of chapter, hope you all liked it. Now please review or PM me with any ideas, comments or general flames. Also PM if you want to be my BETA. **_


	2. Titles, Powers and sheer sexiness

Harry stood there tapping his chin with his index finger in deep thought.

"I…I don't remember maybe help me get some gold or something, what do banks do exactly?" questioned Harry giving Griphook an inquisitive look.

"Well, we manage and store wizard's money, we ward people's properties, hire out guards, go cursebreaking in areas around the world, loan out lawyers, heal people, help people train, use illegal magics, hold poker tournaments, help people find out about their heritage, manage wills, help convicts with anything they need and do pretty much whatever you want for the right price!" Griphook answered whilst scratching his abnormally large nose (even for a goblin).

"I want all of it!" Harry declared proudly as he thrust out his chest. He then followed Griphook through several tunnels that lead away from the main building before reaching an office with _'GRIPHOOK, COOL GOBLIN' _on it.

"Cool Goblin?" Harry asked.

"Competent Organised Operational Liaison" He replied as he lead him into the office where everything was dark and menacing before he flicked a switch and everything became light and cheerful with rainbows on the wall. Once they sat down Griphook passed across a bit of parchment with 'Inheritance' on the top. Before he could say anything Harry grabbed the letter opener on the desk and stabbed his hand letting blood pour down covering the parchment and surrounding area.

"I thought this was meant to heal automatically." Said Harry, holding up his still heavily bleeding hand to the shocked goblin.

"Mr. Potter, only ritual knives heal automatically and that was a letter opener, also the inheritance test just needs the person to write their full name using normal ink." Whispered the goblin before healing Harry's hand and passing across a new piece of parchment before continuing, "This will tell you what family's you are head of, your full title and any abilities you may have."

Harry did as told before writing came across the page.

_**Harry James Potter**_

_**Lord to Chivalrous and Most Ancient House Potter**_

_**Lord to Noble and Most Ancient House Black**_

_**Lord to Powerful and Most Ancient House Peverall**_

_**Lord to Brave and Most Ancient House Gryffindor**_

_**Lord to Sly and Most Ancient House Slytherin**_

_**Lord to Wise and Most Ancient House Ravenclaw**_

_**Lord to Loyal and Most Ancient House Hufflepuff**_

_**Lord to Respected and Most Ancient House Emrys**_

_**Lord to Feared and Most Ancient House Lefay **_

_**Prince to Royal and Most Ancient House Pendragon**_

_**Lord to Awesome House Odgen**_

_**Lord to Mysterious House Shadow**_

_**Lord to Sexy House Venus**_

_**Representative of Almighty and Ruling Mount Olympus**_

_**Abilities**_

_Master of all Magic (blocked except for powerful light magic and defensive magic)_

_Shadow Elemental (blocked)_

_Lightning Elemental (blocked)_

_Air Elemental (partially blocked)_

_Beast Speaker (Partially blocked)_

_Shapeshifter (blocked)_

_Demigod powers of all major Gods (Blocked)_

_Invulnerability to Unforgivables (partially blocked)_

_Eidetic Memory (partially blocked)_

_Combat Specialist (blocked)_

_Amazing Sexual Prowess (blocked)_

_Tolerance to vast amounts of alcohol (partially blocked)_

_Master Occlumens (blocked)_

_Master Legimens (blocked)_

**Magical Power – God – 55 000 – 99.5% blocked – 275 accessible (average) **

**Magical Power scale **

**Muggle – 0 – 49**

**Squib – 50 – 99**

**Weak- 100 – 199**

**Average – 200 – 299**

**Powerful – 300 – 499**

**Sorcerer – 500 – 699**

**High Sorcerer – 700 – 899**

**Mage – 900 – 1099**

**High Mage – 1100 – 1399**

**Demi-God – 1400 – 1999**

**Merlin – 2000 – 3999**

**God – 4000+**

_Full Title – Prince Harry James Peverall Black Odgen Shadow Venus Hogwarts Emrys Lefay Pendragon Potter, Representative to Olympus, Master Of Death, Sex God, Lightning, Air and Shadow elemental, Beast Speaker, Invulnerable Master of All and God._

"Wow" was all Harry could say before he fainted. Ten minutes later he woke up to see a goblin smiling down on him.

"AHHH" He yelled jumping up and slamming his head against the goblins causing them to both fall down groaning.

"Shit, my glasses are broken!" Exclaimed Harry before noticing he could see perfectly without them.

"Oh my God, I'm so sexy!" He yelled after seeing himself in a conveniently placed mirror. Here Griphook interrupted him after picking up the other, still groaning goblin.

"My Prince, you look exactly the same except you have no glasses on!"

"No, I look sexier!"

"No, you don't!"

"Yes, I do!"

"No, you don't"

"Yes, I …"

"Shut Up!" Roared the other goblin as he grabbed his still throbbing head, "It doesn't matter, now we have already removed all your blocks, healed all your old wounds and prepared all the paperwork needed."

"Wow!" Harry whispered, astonished, "How long was I out for?"

"Five minutes." Came the short reply before the grumpy goblin turned around and left the office.

Looking over the parchment again Harry asked about the magical power ratings.

"Well that measures how much magic you have at your disposal, for example, both your parents were Sorcerers, Dumbledore is a High Sorcerer, Voldemort is a mage, the founders were all Demigods, Merlin is pretty self-explanatory and God means from minor to major Greek God level. Your power is about on par with Poseidon, the most powerful Greek God." Answered Griphook.

"Now, your powers mean you can block your mind from others and in turn read others minds as simply as if they were picture books. Beastspeaker means you can speak to any animal and understand them. Shapeshifter means you can turn into anything you want from an ant to a giant dragon with all powers that come with that form. Elemental means you can control those elements. Demigod powers means you have the God's powers but on a smaller scale. You can basically do any magic naturally and can fight better than anyone else. Unforgivables don't affect you. Lastly but most importantly you will find it very hard to get drunk and can do anything in bed." Finished off Griphook with a lecherous grin.

"Ok then, where did I get the Odgen, Venus and shadow titles from?"

"Venus title chooses the best person in the world at sex to be the next head. Shadow passes to the next head when shadow elemental is born which happens once in two thousand years and Odgen was left to you as a way to thank you for killing Voldemort."

* * *

The next ten hours passed with Harry filling out multiple forms but strangely he did not become hungry or tired at all. Finally it came to finding out what he actually owned. Griphook wrote on a piece of parchment for a few minutes before passing it over to Harry.

_Prince Harry James Peverall Black Odgen Shadow Venus Hogwarts Emrys Lefay Pendragon Potter, Representative to Olympus, Master Of Death, Sex God, Lightning, Air and Shadow elemental, Beast Speaker, Invulnerable Master of All and God's Listings_

_999999 Billion Galleons _

_75 properties_

_5000 house elfs_

_50 slaves including 30 veelas _

_A copy of every book ever made_

_Temple on Olympus_

_Various priceless artifacts_

_Arthur Pendragons sword_

_Gryffindor's sword_

_Ravenclaw's Bow_

_Hufflepuff's armor_

_Slytherins twin daggers_

_Merlin's staff_

_Morgana LeFay's necklace_

_Atlantis_

_Avalon_

_Diagon Alley_

_Knockturn Alley_

_Hogsmead_

_Hogwarts_

_Durmstrang_

_Beaubaxtons_

_Odgens Firewhisky_

_Several Veela colonies_

_Greece_

_53 Wizengamot seats (controlling vote)_

_25 seat on the Hogwarts board (controlling vote)_

_Shares in every major business world wide_

_Deathly Hallows_

After seeing that, Harry Potter fainted once more.


End file.
